In collaboration with Matt Bowden
There are other great pleasures in life besides eating and sex that no one speaks about and are absolutely amazing!! Things we do in private that feel pleasurable and I think we´ve all done or felt somewhere in our lives. In the right circumstances, these things can be even better than an orgasm although most people are hardly likely to tell their friends or anyone else about their dirty pleasures. Nevertheless, in public or simply in a bad setting these things can be incredibly embarrassing and humiliating which is why no one talks about them. But I know that deep down, you´ve done at least one of these things, felt them and loved it.
The Perfect Poo
Few things are more pleasurable than having a nice digestion and taking your business to the bathroom in a peaceful manner. That moment when you sit on the toilet, your anus dilates and this amazing piece of poo come out like ice-cream. Not the soft serve stuff though, I´m talking about Ben and Jerry´s chunky monkey. And then the feeling of relief you get afterwards, like you´ve rid yourself of 20 pounds of overweight toxins that were stuck in your system.
Or when you overeat until your stomach is about to burst and you finally sit down on the toilet to release your chocolate snake and you feel like your intestines are being dragged out by the force and girth of such a monster.
When You Pee and It Takes 10 Minutes to Finish
You´ve been drinking lots of fluids, you feel like your bladder is about to burst and it has been several hours since you last took a pee. You know you need a bathroom urgently!
Then the miracle happens when you finally get to go; you spray like a burst fire-hydrant, you feel like your bladder is having an orgasm and your body relaxes to let the pleasurable sensation flow out in the form of urine. Complete ecstasy takes over mind and body and you can only enjoy the present moment of finally being able to pee.
Pulling a Firm Booger Out of Your Nose
You feel something stuck in your nose. You don´t know how long or how firm it is but when you´re breathing you feel it blocking your airway. You feel chunky, crystal pieces that stab your nostrils.
You finally get a moment of privacy and you stick either your finger or a tissue in there to grab that little fucker.
As you remove it you feel there´s a tail that extends all the way to your brain. You go cross-eyed as you slide that enormous booger out from your brain through your nose, and feel slowly how your head is becoming unclogged from the three-inch long worm.
Popping a Gigantic Pimple
It feels like a tumor growing in your skin. You know you have to wait for it to mature and pop it properly, otherwise you´ll be left with annoying liquids leaking out that don´t bring much pleasure.
Then the perfect time arrives, you know it´s ready, it feels firm, hard and ready to pop. You place your fingers in the perfect position to make it a wild explosion. You press your fingers tightly and in milliseconds the pressure is released in the form of puss that splatters everywhere. You press again and more stuff comes out and you feel the puss exploding out like bullets from a gun, hitting the mirror. You see tiny chunks and know it was a good pop.
You feel the air piling up in your intestine. You´ve been holding it in for quite sometime. Methane gas that is about to burst through the thin walls of your intestine. You walk with tight and tense butt cheeks because you don´t want the noise or smell to scare people away, but you´re waiting for that one moment of solitude when you can let it out.
The time comes, you slightly push out and the gas spills from your butt, making a deafening sound, feeling endless as you wonder how much gas can accumulate in your being, but you don’t care because it´s finally coming out. Just when you think you´re finished, the extra gas comes out letting you know that you´re not done here honey. You push a little harder and get it all out, leaving you with a slimming and pleasurable feeling. But then of course you quickly walk away to avoid being stuck with your own smell. Hopefully it doesn´t follow you. Exercise caution when lighting a match.
Finding Small Chucks of Food Stuck in Your Teeth That Still Taste Good
You went out to dinner and forgot to take your tooth brush. You´re driving home and feel like something is stuck in your gums or between your teeth. You wrestle the chunk of food with your tongue trying to get it out. Then it happens. The piece of food is released. You start playing with it on your tongue and then give it some teeth. You slightly chew on it and realize there´s still a yummy flavor attached to it.
It becomes a little dessert or an extra piece of takeaway just without the doggy bag that no one needs to know you´d been hiding in between your teeth. Just don´t save it for breakfast the following day.