MIND

DECIDING NOT TO PROCREATE SHOULD BE ACCEPTABLE

READING TIME: 5 MIN. 

Not everyone in the world wants the same things. But as soon as you differ from what is “tradition” you are suddenly called crazy, weird or a freak.There is social bullying for walking on a different path.

I don´t want biological children and I shouldn’t have to lie about it. But I find myself doing that, not out of fear but out off a certain shame one carries thinking and wanting different things. Sometimes it feels like I´m gay in Saudi Arabia, I shouldn’t say it aloud, I should keep it to myself and avoid controversy.  Neither one is something that should be hidden, especially out of fear or shame!

Ever since I was a child I can remember not wanting to have my own children, I used to have horrible nightmares of getting pregnant through the power of the Holy Spirit. I know!! I was 6 years old and didn’t know where babies came from, but this was the version I knew (they should really stop telling children this, it´s very scary).

The adults around me would repeatedly say the same phrase “I use to think the same when I was your age, you´ll change your mind when you’re older”.

I’m 29 years old and I keep thinking the same way about children and I still hear the same phrase.

NOOOOOOOOO, IM NOT GOING TO CHANGE MY FUCKING MIND!!!! What if I were to tell children that want babies of their own someday, “you´re going to change your mind”. I´d be labeled as a horrible human being and probably would be kept away from children.

The few times that I´ve said the truth about my wish to not procreate, I get asked extremely personal questions, like “Did you have a bad childhood?” WTF!!.

No! I had an amazingly beautiful childhood, surrounded by a loving and supportive family, with incredible parents and sisters.

Unfortunately the questions and the remarks have grown to a higher level of annoyance.

Having your own children gives life a bigger meaning

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I don´t know what is meaningful to you. I think that my life is very meaningful. I work every day on growing spiritually, in being a better human being towards those around me and myself.

If I were to have a biological child, then it would be an obligation to raise  that human being well, after all, it was my responsibility in bringing him/her into this world.

Giving your all to raise a biological child is not being an exceptional human being, is the least you can do, since you made it.

I´m happy that it helps some people give their life meaning, but everyone is different, and what is meaningful to some is not to others.

You don´t know `meaning´ cause you haven’t had a child

Well… you´re right, I don´t know the meaning of having a child because I haven’t had one.

There are over 7 billion people in the world, they are ALL someone’s children and I don´t see the world leading meaningful lives (I´m generalizing here, so don´t take it personally please)

Having a baby is a blessing

It is.  It´s a blessing to some. My darling cousin was born to be a mother, and I´ve realized this ever since we were children. I´m sure she´s going to be an amazing mother when she has children of her own, they will be a blessing for her and she´ll be a blessing for them.

But a baby is not a blessing to everyone and not every baby is a blessing, if it were, then the crime rate wouldn’t be so high.

Let me just remind you that Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin and every criminal and pedophile in the world were babies at some point in their live’s, SO NOT EVERYONE IS A BLESSING.

And I am not perceiving as a blessing all those annoying people who keep saying this.

You´re a monster who hates children

I love children. I´ve volunteered in a day care center, in social services and orphanages for disabled children, and my amazing nephew is the apple of my eye. I love children, I love playing with them, talking to them and helping them in every way that I can.

And maybe someday I can have the possibility to be a mother to an amazing adopted child. I don´t care what is his/her skin color, country of birth, genetic code, sex or age.

I don´t want to be a mother just so I can have the experience of pregnancy and giving birth, of having my genetic code pass on to someone else, I don´t want to be a mother so I can have a mini version of me!

I want to be an adoptive mother because I want to have the blessing to make someone else´s life better, I want to love, protect and support someone who doesn’t have that.

To be able to do that, to me is a true blessing.

I don´t like what the world is becoming and I don´t wish to bring a new life into something I don´t like.

Why adopt when you can have your own?

This phrase is always followed by others like:

“If you adopt, you don’t know where they come from. Maybe their dad was a criminal and maybe it has weird cancer genes”.

Criminals aren’t born they are raised. I wont deny that genes carry very valuable information, but people have children knowing their partners wife or husband´s family have a history of cancer, mental illness or criminal activity. Does your family´s history stops YOU from having children? Very likely, NO. Then why should it stop me from adopting?

“It is why we are here on earth, to reproduce. It is a duty to reproduce”

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That is your belief, it´s not mine. I actually think that people should reconsider having biological children, I mean the world is over populated and there are millions of children in need of a loving home. But I’m not going to shove my beliefs down people’s throats. I respect their decision to have biological children, the least that I expect in return is respect for wanting to adopt or deciding not to have children at all.

“You should have a child so it has your genes, is the only way you can leave something of yours in this world”.

Why should I care to pass on my genes to someone? Because that way they´ll be someone walking around carrying my genetic code in his veins?

Doesn’t that sound too immature and a very selfish reason to have a baby and especially egocentric?

I don´t aspire to leave my genes in the world. I aspire to leave something that will make people’s lives better, trees, love, peace.

If your parents would have thought like you do, you wouldn’t be here right now”

So what if my parents wouldn’t of had me? I wouldn’t know, cause I wouldn’t be here!!!

“Who´s going to take care of you when you´re old”

COME ON!!!! People who say this are true ASS HOLES! So, you should only have a child to guarantee free care in your old age.

This is one of the worst reasons to have children, even if I get the opportunity to adopt a child, I don´t want them taking care of me when I´m old, I want  them to lead free lives.

“Your mother wants grandchildren, think of her. You should have a baby and see how it goes”

So I should deliberately bring a human being with feelings into this world, knowing I don’t want it, just to see how it goes?

Who´s well being should I put into consideration? this new life I would be bringing into the world or those of the ones around me?

The decision of having a baby shouldn’t be based just on thinking about satisfying other´s desires. It should be taken thinking of the person having it and the best well-being of the future child.

“Your such a selfish person that only thinks about yourself”

Yes, I’m selfish in many ways, but not on this. It is because I love so incredibly much the baby I don’t have that I have decided not to conceive it (All though the T.V show, “I didn’t know I was pregnant” has left me very scared, there’s people that even on birth control get knocked up, so I truly hope birth control works on me).

Life is beautiful and the world is an amazing place, but it is also a place full of hard lessons to learn, and I´d rather adopt someone who is already in this world to show the beautiful side of life and support them thru the hardships of life.

I shouldn’t be talked to like a criminal for deciding not to have children. I am not causing harm to anyone. Having a baby  is a very personal decision that needs to be taken carefully and it shouldn’t be based on the worlds expectations.

 Photo Credit; pixabay.com

8 comments

  • This is a great article, Caroline! I wrote something with a similar theme this past summer, “A woman without children is a useless wife.” Everyone is selfish in their own way with or without children. I really believe being a parent should be something that speaks to you in the same way you might decide to pick up a pen and start writing. It should come with that feeling that you were “meant for this” in some way. I don’t have that feeling calling to me and I’m honoring that! I think there are many just like us. 🙂

  • Thank you so much Shelah! it means a lot.
    Is nice to know I´m not alone. I tried looking for your article in your blog but couldn’t find it. I would very much like to read it, I love the title is very strong.

  • I tried that “have one & see how it goes” when I was 18, & it was a total disaster. The pregnancy was fine, no sickness or any other health issues. When the time came for the birth I got the shock of my life! I was over 30 hours in labour, in agony the whole time & left alone in a drab room with no pain relief. Some of the hospital staff treated me like a leper, shouting at me & telling me off for making a fuss. Finally they pulled the baby out with forceps. It was the worst experience of my life, & if I could turn back the clock, I would have avoided sex like the plague. This experience changed my personality forever, leaving me bitter & misanthropic. I never bonded with the baby, & he was put up for adoption. I suppose it serves me right for listening to all the idiots who told me that having kids is a blessing, & the ultimate fulfillment.

    • Hi Catherine. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. For being so brave and honest about such an important subject that is considered tabu in today’s time, when it shouldn’t.
      I am so sorry you had to go through such a difficult experience, it should NEVER have to be like that. The treatment in the hospital and the lack of information for women regarding procreation among many other issues that need to be urgently addressed for women’s sake.
      Thank you, because your post opens another window into a different perspective that not to many dare to speak at loud.
      Kind regards

  • “It is because I love so incredibly much the baby I don’t have that I have decided not to conceive it”

    I’m 26 and it has been my thought that deciding to have no biological child is kind’a wrong/immoral if you decide to marry.,so the mentality of “i shouldn’t marry if i don’t have a plan to bear my own child” had been my orientation since. but after reading your blog on this, i was brought to rethink my belief also. specially when i read that line above i quoted..it rings to me because it was my stand also but because of the social norm, i seemingly forget about it. so thanks for sharing your view/stand on this topic. its a comfort knowing that i am not alone on my views.

    • You´re not alone Roselyn,

      Never let anyone make you feel bad for your life choices or your believes, we´re not harming anyone, on the contraire we´re saving someone from coming into a really messed up world. Few people actually make a conscious decision about their reproductive choices. They tend to forget that there´s a human being coming into that decision.

      Congratulations on your decision!! And I´m glad that you liked my article.

  • not to mention that you arouse my suppressed desire to be a blogger 🙂

    • Hi Roselyn, Sorry for the late reply.

      You should blog, you should write. I believe that everyone has something to say. So start writing and inspire us!!

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