I can´t remember my first thought. I can´t remember the first time I became conscious of my thoughts. What I do know is that ever since I started thinking I haven´t stopped.
I have a frightening and racing mind. I think it’s part of having anxiety. I simply can´t seem to shut off my mind. I sometimes believe it works harder than my heart does, simply because of the intensity and the large amount of thoughts I have.
I’ve meditate, which does help, it actually works A LOT. But the moment I stop meditating it’s like the batteries are on full charge on my mind. It’s tiring, chaotic, sometimes painful, sometimes funny and sometimes frightful.
There’s this psychotherapist I went to see a few months ago. She recommended I write down everything that comes to my mind once a day or whenever I feel like I can´t shut it down. I’ve written what it feels like the equivalent of the entire content of the web. And for some reason it doesn´t really feel like I’m exaggerating. The thing about thoughts is that they move at a faster pace that time does. In one single minute you can have a million different thoughts. Some of which you’re not even aware off. I guess this exercise has helped me to become more aware of my thoughts, the quality of these and the emotions they engrave in my body.
And so, I’ve decided to share with you just a tiny, little fraction of what I thought about last night. It wasn’t even the whole night, but only a few minutes of this racing mind. I wonder if others think as much as I do. If you do, please share.
Why can´t I shut it down. I should be asleep by now. I shouldn´t have screamed at Taco, she doesn´t know what she’s doing. Fuck! Sometimes she’s worst than a child. I’m so never having children, if I can barely cope with this dog there’s no way I could cope with a kid. I can´t believe no doctor will tie my tubes, nasty horrible fuckers that want to see the world overpopulated. What would I do if I had a baby, NOOOO don’t think about that, you’ll have nightmares.
I wonder if there’s a pandemic coming soon? I mean can the world seriously take more humans? We’re like a plague and reproduce faster than flies. Wait… how fast do flies reproduce? O.K. Maybe not like flies, but flies only live three days. That would be a scary thought. A pandemic would be scary, I wonder if it be like The Black Plague, that shit was scary.
No!!! You want to know a scary thought? That weird thing that you keep dreaming about that comes out of the mirror in your closet when you sleep, now that’s scary! I wonder if ghosts really do exist? Did my dad become a ghost? I miss my dad. Shit, I never imagined I would miss him this much. It’s so true, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. I wish I could see him one more time, wrap my arms around him one last time. It hurts so much, when will it stop hurting?
I’m glad Matt is coming in two month, I miss him so much, I hope I die before he does. Well… I am older and I smoke a lot so chances are in my favor. Wow! Nine months already, it has gone so fast and so slow at the same time. I wonder if he’ll look as fat as he looks on the screen. O.K. don’t tell him that, you don’t want to make him feel bad, I love Matt.
Talking about fat, what on earth am I going to do about this not lovable love handle around my waist? I hate it!!! Why do they call them love handles? No one loves them and they’re not lovable, they should be called hate handles. I never imagined I would have this. What’s wrong with me, I’m eating super healthy. Yes! But I’m not exercising as much as I should. But come on!! Who has energy to workout after working?
God I miss my dad!!! I miss my life so much!!! Fuck I never imagined life could get so hard. I think that’s why so many people hated me, because I had such an awesome life.
Remember how profound you slept in Whitianga, laying on the sand, next to the ocean, smoking cigarettes and drinking ginger tea. I wonder if I’ll ever be as happy as that again? I don’t know, I use to have the world at my feet, everything was different back then. I wish none of this had happened. Maybe Matt is right; maybe happiness is part of the lesson. I hate all these fucking “lessons” life throws at me. I’m so tired. I just want to sleep. Maybe you should take another Xanax. No! You don’t want to become addicted to those things. Maybe it hasn’t kicked in and that’s why I’m awake.
Just breath! Remember to breath, breath deeply. Just remember Whitianga, remember the sweet breeze brushing against your skin, the sound of the water clashing against the broken seashells. The sound of the seagulls, remember what happiness felt like. Remember what peace felt like.
How can people live in cities and expect to be happy when everything is so fast, noisy and chaotic! Why does everything have to be so fast, what happened to taking things slow? I miss having time, I feel like I don’t have enough time. Wow! I can now truly grasp the value of time. That’s it! I’m never putting up with unpunctuality again. Fuck! Time is precious. What I’d give to have 5 minutes with my dad! Come on!!! Let it go now!!
What does letting go even mean? I hate it when people say let it go! Well, explain what the fuck does letting go even fucking mean!! I should really discuss this with my psychotherapist. When is my next appointment? Shit, I didn’t schedule an appointment, remember tomorrow to schedule one.
I shouldn´t have screamed at Taco, she’s just a nice puppy. She’s not even a puppy; she’s a full-grown dog that probably has some serious issues going on in her brain. Who cares she’s still cute. Wow! I think this is what loving a child must be like. It doesn´t matter how much they destroy your life you still love them. Fuck it! I prefer to have dogs than kids. I so do not have a single bone of motherhood in my body. Thank God! If I don’t have time right now I can´t imagine what it must be like with a kid.
I’m tired, I think the Xanax is kicking in. I can´t believe I’m popping pills now. How the fuck did this happened. Me taking pills!!! NOOOOOOOOOO. Who cares they help you sleep. I need to meditate more, YES!! I should really meditate more. Wait! What if I meditate right now. O.K. Focus on a mantra “Oooooooooom” O.K. I have to stop writing. I’m shutting this thing off. Fuck this is boring. I just wrote and endless thing of nothing.
Needless to say, I couldn’t meditate last night. This silent and noisy conversation kept happening in my mind for at least another hour until the Xanax finally kicked in and I manage to go asleep.
Nevertheless, this is the war I have to fight 24/7, because even when I’m sleeping my mind keeps racing with thoughts, fears, dreams, nightmares, memories and everything and anything that involves a thought. Last night was actually a good night because thoughts where more on the positive side, so I was at least amused by my own thoughts.